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Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall

Posted: October 16th, 2017, 8:32 pm
by scrutney

the onion:
WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.

After racing into the Supreme Court Building and seating themselves on the bench in order of seniority, current Chief Justice John Roberts and his eight associate justices are said to have raised their right hands and exclaimed, “We, the Guardians of Liberty!” Then, sources said, a lever activated by pulling down the scales on a marble statue of Lady Justice dropped them into nine separate chutes, through which they slid down toward the high-tech underground command center where the disembodied face of the early 19th-century jurist briefs them on new missions.

“Justices, it seems there’s trouble afoot with the regulatory oversight of interstate commerce, and we need your special combination of skills to resolve the matter,” the 20-foot hologram of John Marshall said as the court members arrived in the massive titanium-lined bunker and stood attentively in a circle around him, their arms crossed or akimbo. “Justice Kagan, we’ll need your disciplined jurisprudence and opinion-writing powers. Justice Thomas, we need the full strength of your textualist interpretations. And Chief Justice Roberts, we’ll count on you to hold any noncompliant parties in contempt of this court. Only with the combined powers of the Nine can we fairly interpret precedent and the Constitution as it applies to U.S. law.”
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